How Dare you Get Inside my Head, and Make me a Different Person.

Love-noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.
–noun

1.	a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.	a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3.	sexual passion or desire.

Love is a horrible word for me. It makes me do things I wish I hadn't done, wish I hadn't met you, wish I was blind, and also have become blind. It's eats and tears at me to the core. Rewires my mind. You do this to me on purpose, I look at you I fall to my knee's. I will do anything at will. Then I think about each gesture, I think about each word, each fucking look. I then doubt it all over again. It was obvious and will always be obvious. But when I become fond of someone I don't notice what I should. I wish I could cut this part of my brain out. I wish I could cut out my heart and serve it on a plate to a family of cannibals.

Love eats you alive. They say its a beautiful thing, but it has ruined people I know. Makes them change for the worse and they start to isolate you. I then have to get rid of every memory of you after you've beaten me alive. That means get rid of the things I do love that haven't done anything to me other than you crushing those things as well.

Love is a horrible thing to me and if you are in love with someone. Have fun ruining your life. I wish you no luck.
Love, fuck you.

Diablo

"May you have a passionate life."

My Tarot card for today. I think it fits. I seem to have this card at least 5 times a month. Why?....... should I care?


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12:45 a.m.

Take it Personally
I do love thee. I suggest this album. The Starlite Desperation is one hell of a band. Also purchase Violate a Sundae. Beautiful. I would suggest all of their albums, but I have committed a crime by only listening to a couple of songs off their other albums.

Take that mile. I hope you collapse from heat exhaustion.

I've noticed, and thought about it tonight. That my hate use to grow very very slowly. But now its gotten faster and becoming almost a plague in its growth. I know I take my hate issue on every chance I get. But its becoming unbearable.
Anyways, it grows more and more each day when I sit across the room from all of you. Listening to the same punch line, the same annoying giggle, the same fucking argument. I'm happier outside of my head when I don't have much time to think. But when I do all hell becomes captured behind my eyes and I find a place to create a world of pure violence, no innocence has even evolved.

It's a short life we have, and why spend time hating everyone? Its easier not to communicate with you.. people. Most disagree but when stuck inside a mind trying to call for help, but your tongue has been shot with a tranquilizer it's a little hard to communicate.
I see this occurring every night. I see the future of my actions, thoughts, and horrible mistakes. I repeat them until I see what it is thats wrong. I try to fight everything I can in order to ignore this horrible disease, but it takes over and it turns into a different sight. Hate is a word no one should use. It's stronger than most think. You don't know what it truly means until everything about that subject pricks at you as if you fell in to a well full of thorns.

Its a powerful feeling that you can never shake off. Its a permanent state. It's a grasp on to your thighs and neck that hold on for dear life. Hate is only the spine for evil. Evil I will never be able to explain. No one truly can. Its a snake, the ocean, its every thing that changes its form and reacts different and is unpredictable on many occasions.

Why so alive?

There's this itch I have. I scratch and scratch until I let it open. Until I let it sting. I've got a gap in between my words. My thinking has become more in a stuttering flop. A soothing mind is a rather boring downhill asshole. A complicated battled mind is a fine imported dick. People won't ever win. We want more than we have, the pleasure will never sink in fully.

If you press your hands against someones body you find a mark, it fades until its gone. I feel like that mark. You'll watch me until I leave, and never do it again cause it wasn't anything special. Pass on by this mark. When built on anger, frustration, stress, and pure hate... Its a rather boring person. Because I hate everyone, I don't find anything good about you. I could care less about you. Its a full question, its a full bullshit statement.

Well, its all bullshit. So we need to be slapped in the face and deal with it.

Where's My Devil? He was in my pocket.

I uhh I got a large quantity of hate and pain bubbling inside my head lately. I wish I could say I don't want it in there. I want to tilt my head to the side and let it drain out of my ear. But no, I want it there to keep that certain look, so no one will mess with me. I keep it crawling down my shoulder. I let it will seep down into my pores when its time to let it all unleash.
I can say the hate and pain came from my fellow co-workers. They use me to their advantage. They throw me into shit knowing I won't say no. I push myself to the edge, the breaking point. Why? I'll never know why. I like the feeling of an almost mental breakdown. I love the texture of pure insanity. You know that feeling in your palms that shoot through your fingers that make them shake. Makes your mind melt, and your tongue swell.

Its a pure substance. It's not easy to get rid off, its hard to shake. Only the strong minded know how to shake it. While the weak ones, as myself, keep it there for pity, and a reason to hate everyone. I shouldn't need a reason to dislike any of you. You all use me, you use me and throw me to the jaws of life. It's a quick chew, but its the worst pain I could feel. Especially when your as sensitive as I am. I'm letting the truth come out. I hate the feeling, I hate letting you know I'm weak and afraid. Like any other human being... I wanted to be different. I want to say I am nothing like you. But I am.. I have the same emotions, same guilt.

I feel a rise trying to conquer my body, to make me feel numb. Its working, and I'm letting it through my system. But for fuck sakes, man. When does life give a cigarette break? Let that steam roll off your back? Let your muscles become free from all prison of restraint and anger?

Loneliness has become a comfort. Knowing your alone in your ventures towards either failure or success. To know you won't have someone bring you back down in to that sweat hog pin you once got free from. I can do things for myself, which don't seem to be working, don't seem to come through. But not to worry about anything or anyone else's problems. You find loneliness becomes a best friend, a growth on your back that won't seem to go away, but you don't mind it. Cause you don't have to see it.. So there's no problem. The only downfall is who do I run to when it all breaks down? I've got you, but you always want more. Don't we?

These Fucking Days.

The days get worse and worse as I move, and try to head towards a better life. But something sucks me back in. I'm in a deep black hole sweating, bleeding, and crying. I can't catch a goddamn break. I feel like I'm peeling, but all the skin has calloused so it won't come off so easily. I have to take a knife in order to get it off, but then give up through out the process. I give up on a lot of things. My life lacks order. I hate what friends I have. I hate what little I give myself. I'm finally breaking down. I finally needed this. I kept everything inside for so fucking long that its coming out. I don't want to see you ever again. I don't want to see any of your fucking faces I wish to wipe off. You all use me. It's hard to say that, it really is. But it's true. I'm there when everyone else has gone. So why don't you just come to me, right? I'm fucking right.

Cock it, Pull it.

I pulled the trigger and nothing came out. My tears run and I hide my face. Whats new with life? nothing.

SHIT.

I'm doing it again. I'm losing myself again. I praying and hoping someone notices. I wish I wish I wish..... But they are just dreams. My dreams have always led to nightmares. Who knows. Seems the one I wish would understand knows I have nothing to give. Seems she knows I am full of hope and thats it. Will never get a boy I like. GODDAMMIT I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE FEELINGS.

The Last Words...

"There's a uhh girl looking through the window." I turned around to see who it might be. "That's June. She's the neighbor across the street." She looked bothered to know that people just do whatever they want. "Your not going to say anything? If someone was doing that to me I would flip out." "No, she means no harm. She just does it." "Ok, well I feel very uncomfortable could you tell her to stop, please?" I got up from the table and knocked on the window. "June, go home June." June looked up and smiled then walked back home.

"Happy?" She smiled and kept eating her supper. "Thank you." All I remembered after that was gun shots and screaming. I then woke up from passing out. I got up from the floor slowly and cautiously. I was dizzy from when I got knocked out. I started walking all through the halls, kitchen, bathrooms. Shouting Elizabeth's name. "Elizabeth? Where are you?!" I heard nothing but silence. She was 5 months pregnant. It wasn't my child but we just started going out.


I heard a small gurgle. I ran towards the noise to find nothing. I then went to the back door to see it all the way open where they must of taken her. I ran into the back yard hoping to find someone or something. There was nothing. I fell to my knee's and began to cry. I let her down. I didn't keep her safe. But what happened? why did this happen?

I ran out the back yard through the side fence. I saw June and ran up to her. "JUNE?! Did you see what happened? did you see where they took Elizabeth?" June looked at me with those innocent eyes not knowing what was even going on with the world. Why would she knew what happened?

"No." She was pointing towards a shed in Mr. Jacobs backyard. "Is she in there?" "No." She just kept pointing. I then went into Mr. Jacobs backyard. I walked over to the shed and stood there for a minute. What if she was in there? What if she was cut up into pieces? I slowly stretched my arm out to open the door. "BOY WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOUR DOIN IN MY GODDAMN BACKYARD?"

"I can't find Elizabeth." He looked at me in utter shock. "What the fuck? It was the ambulance they came and got her. She went in to labor. Why aren't you at the hospital with her?"

I couldn't believe it. "But I heard gun shots and someone knocked me out."
"You didn't hear no fucking gun shots. You heard your head it the floor once the medics came in a knocked you to the ground."



p.s. these are made to be really shitty stories. :D