HATE HATE HATE ATE ATE ATE

THE THINGS I CAN'T BELIEVE ARE HAPPENING.

MY CAR ONCE AGAIN DECIDES TO FUCK UP AND I HAVE TO SPEND ANOTHER COUPLE OF HUNDRED.


I HATE MY JOB, MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I WILL NEVER FIND A BETTER JOB. MAKES ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF MORE THAN I HAVE EVER EVEN TRIED.


MY BIG MOUTH LASHING OUT ON PEOPLE FOR NO REASON. KILLING THEIR EGOS, MAKING THEM HATE THEMSELVES EVEN MORE. I AM A BIG BIG BITCH.


I HATE NOT HAVING WHAT I WANT. I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED BUT ITS NEVER ENOUGH, IT NEVER WILL BE. BECAUSE WE WANT EVERYTHING IN ORDER TO BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.


I HATE IM NEVER FUCKING HAPPY.


I HATE THIS DARK CLOUD.


I WANT TO FUCKING GET A BREAK AND MY CAR TO STOP FUUUCCCKKKIIINNNNGGGGG UUUPPPPP. I HATE AMERICAN CARS NEVER AGAIN.

New?

Ok, so I am wanting a lot of new things... like every girl in the world.
for my b-day cash so I can figure out if I should get an apple notebook, or a new GREAT camera. not like mine isn't bad, sine all I do is shoot in black and white. BUT if I get a laptop its one that i dont have to worry about viruses on.. i hate talking about this.

I hate summer heat.. makes me angry.

I love this ad. Thinking of a story for it.

Anyways, on a subject that really doesn't matter, BUT is poking at me.
People always at my age are going out to clubs, bars, and just socializing. Having a fantastic time with their beautiful friends, crushing boys with glares.
But then me.. I stay in watch movies, read, and just try to gain as much as possible. People nit pick at this when they ask what do I do on my days off. No biggies, I felt I already had fun when I was a teenager. I laughed as much as possible got out whenever I could. I tried the club scene, not a great scene. Everything isn't molded for everyone. But it seems like everyone wants it to be. I am still a baby, but I just rather fill my head with knowledge and not ecstasy.
I might be a drag, I might be a total loser to most. But when living a life it should be in all your own comforts.
Do what you want and leave everyone else alone.

Pathetic Updates.

PRT. 2

So on the way home tonight, Montes asks "Now that you know my list, whats yours?" I can't help but laugh. "Well since all the men at work aren't attractive.. No one really. Except Justin, I would fuck him." You can tell that no he's offended "Oh thanks."
"No problem."
Exact words. See, its easy to offend someone when not knowing you are doing it, cause if you did you would stop. But when you grow up around nothing but truth, assholes, and just stubborn people. You have no filter, you don't worry about offending anyone. Cause no matter what your talking about, your already walking on eggshells.
And it is true.. Only one guy out of everyone. Well there was another guy, but he was a different story. Oh well, don't ask and you won't get burned. Plus it was nice to push the blade in even further.

The Sounds of a Pathetic.

Ok, now I don't want to sound like a insecure twat, but here we go.

Driving a friend home, Montes. He was telling me about a ride with a co-worker.. Her name is Lynette, which right now is in the transition of becoming a man (believe me it goes with the story.) He was telling me their "Fuck list" for work... He looked at me and was like "Oh yea, you didn't come up." K THANKS. Thank for letting me know im not fuckable. Pleases me.
Pissed me off cause everyone that was... One looks like a 25 cent hooker, the other looks like a child, and one an idiot. So it shows you what most men are looking for, 10 yr old hookers with no brain. Im pleased to say I am pissed about this. That I don't fit in any mold cause they're all common. All the girls they picked out you can spot in America more than once.
No I shouldn't ramble about this, nor be concerned... But yet I am.
Makes you want to become an anorexic, slap on some peroxcide, and shrink your brain. Im sick of trying to make myself attractive for guys.. It hasn't worked for the last 20 yrs, whats the whole rest of my life of dulling it down going to do?
Nothing. So ladies there is your answer, that is what men want. Shrink to 4'10 and wear a baby doll dress and they will fuck you to no end.
Though he did say, its all about the personality. Ouch... I have one hell of a personality.. never got me with a man. Don't lie to me.

The only sad part, is I shouldn't be mad.. I wouldn't even fuck Montes.

The Beast I Still Love.

Its hard. I'll go to his page, look around and then slowly slip in to that horrible feeling again. I keep going back to make that pain dig deeper.
When I get a message I think its him, when I see a truck just like his I pray its him, when I pass by a certain gas station it never fails I look for him. It will never go away no matter how much I push out, I'll drown myself in to it. I do it only because once I see a familiar part of him I feel happy again. I smile the way I did with him. He was the first one to push down a barrier no man could. That's why it hurt when it just stopped.
I did find him, but had to let it go. Makes me sick to think I will never feel that way again.
Every guy that try's, I push away, become an extreme nightmare to them.
Cause I feel the pain, knowing I will feel it again with someone else... If I let them in.

I wish every night he would come back. I dream about him every night. No exaggerations needed. In every dream either I see him again and he try's to get my attention, or its me doing the same thing or hiding. I wish I never let this happen. I wish things would have been settled a different way.

Terror is put to the Test.

I was watching the news with our latest terrorist update, with my grandmother to the left of me I looked over and asked her "What were they planning on proving?" She shrugged her shoulders and said "They're terrorists."

Now as skeptic as I am about 9/11 being caused by terrorist from Iraq, I began to question. Has the media completely brainwashed us in to not even questioning a terrorist motives, but to just say "Its cause they're terrorists, its what they do"? Now I thought maybe since she is my grandmother she is older, maybe wiser. Then my head shook and couldn't believe its come to this. Yes she was the generation where she was table fed all the lies the government could cover up, cook up, and just plain rob us of our intelligence.

But yet it seems to still rest on the matter, and the government have become so powerful that even if we tried to over throw them we wouldn't have a chance in hell and they would not hold back their gun fire. I don't understand why people decide to just nod and smile like everything is ok. It's not. Our freedom is slowly being taken away from us, FREEDOM in general has become the punch line for America. Sickning.

Ugly Girl.

I noticed when I thought I was making myself pretty, was really making myself ugly again. I guess to make people look at me but in the bad way. I just got back from Cali, and I find I am set back in my ways of anger, disgust, pain, and near depression. Its sad when a job, state, and a sence of failure can nearly kill your mental state, and in a matter of hours from just getting off a plane. I'm not sure where I belong but it isn't here, not like this. If I looked back on my life in 30 yrs.... I would probably be brought back to this feeling too. I wanted to cry when I was on the plane... Cause I knew I was a mile closer to pain. I don't believe in heaven, but hell is a different story. We all have hell in the palm of our hands, but mine has taken over like an infection.

I can't believe a job can do this to me. I do have amazing benefits, I have a great salary, I have nothing to gain from this place. everyone that works there leaves.. quickly I might add. Im not sure where I'm going but if it keeps going on this path.. I won't be around for much longer. I dont know what to do anymore.

If I quit, I have to find a new job and quick. If I quit, I wont be paid as well. If I quit, I will have no idea what to fucking do.... It makes me so cloudy... This fucking job makes me feel like I cant do anything else... I have never been bad at a job until this shit. I can't believe its come down to this.

Disgust.

Have you ever looked at a friend then became disgusted by them? They weren't doing anything to deserve the judgment, but you knew something was there they aren't telling you. You know somethings wrong.

Anyways, seems fairly eventful. Next week will be the best week

1. I get to see Jackyl.
2. Won't be at work.

So its exciting. I have so much shit to do.