Ill just let the photo talk for now.

Happy Photo Time.

No wonder they call it the Devils Tower. I saw this image and fell in love. Now if only I could capture something of that same caliber I would be happy.

Tomorrow I start my tattoo. I'm excited but nervous all at the same time, because originally it was suppose to be my whole entire back, but I became uncomfortable with that. So, now its going to be on my entire calf. It's of a peacock, now they represent a lot of things but my main importance of this tattoo is change. People are going to hate it, think its tacky, and just get upset. That's their problem, not mine. I'm so nervous I just don't want to be disgusted 20 yrs later about it.

yep.

Questions.. Thoughts... Pure Confusion

I never wanted to get married, even as a child. My parents ruined a lot of normal things for me. Just recently though, I have been really wanting a steady relationship that would lead to marriage. I don't know what overcame me, but it's been a couple of months that I've been thinking about it. At the rate I am going it doesn't seem like my wish could come true.

On that subject (again) as if a sense for it, I keep seeing myself with no one in the future. I keep just seeing myself all alone, its frustrating. But lately I have also been rebelling like no fucking other. I'm about to get a full calf tattoo, shaved the side of my head, piercing more holes in my ear then needed (doing it myself as well.) I don't think rebelling is really the word, but going through a weird stage, I feel like I'm 16. Pre-midlife crisis?

I'm never sure.

I've been eating away at myself. It seems when you have one foot in the hole, the other one pushes until your ankle breaks, and that's when your foot starts to budge.
Lately I've been a little not myself. I don't know if its cause the environment I am not happy with, or if its I'm not getting what I really want. Questions all the damn time, whats the point of an answer when it follows up with another question?

BORING.

Adrift and at Peace

I love this song "Adrift and at Peace" but I cannot say I feel that way. This sort of ties in with the last blog with detail and explanation to a degree.

When someone tells you about another persons interest you instantly become happy and excited for a new relationship, no matter the standards. You wait for him to come and say hi or even catch your eye. You try to be patient for them, until that night you just set yourself up for nothing. Oh, how I could tell you how many times that has happened. If need be I can just write my own love story from beginning to end. Yet it lacks love... So maybe a guide on depression.

I can tell you how to act in case you know that maybe its just not going to fucking happen.
I can tell you how much to drink and what to drink to make sure you don't remember anything yesterday. It's like a blackout.
I can tell you that this might just keep happening, until we grow some balls.

What I can't tell you, is if you might just get the guy. I can give you a percentage, but no satisfaction guaranteed.

It's been a LONG two days.
I hope the best for tomorrow. I hope the damn best for tomorrow.

High Hopes

It doesn't matter what others have told you, what they say, what they do, how they even look at you, or even if they do show intrest. They all end up failing in the end. I always push my hopes to the next level trying to figure out what I can do to grab their attention, or what it would be like when I am with them.
It all gets ripped to shreds once you're face to face.

I hope this whole spitting in my face goes away soon, because its been happening since I had my first crush.

It looks perfect, you're a king!

Well, now it's been a weird couple of weeks. Constant rumble of hormones and anger just finding its way around each activity I come across. I just wish that maybe I could settle down and just not care for a couple of months. Just sit back and let whatever happens, let it happen. No matter how horrible the situation. It would make the world an easier place to live if people didn't care, boring but simpler.

Each thought weighs you down, any bad thing that's said about you you blow it out of proportion, and when you hate yourself you find it comforting to sit a loathe.

hERMes....

Well right now its 10:24 p.m. in Georgiai and I'm by myself while my parents are out in Seattle and I have been badgering myself. Only because I won't go out like my parents were thinking I would. I don't know anyone in this god forsaken city. The people are rude like in TX, creepy even. I'm not a slut so I can't find someone to bring home (except one guy, but I'm not gonna go looking like a fucking idiot.)

I just wish I could get some xanex to calm my nerves and just say FUCK IT IM GOING OUT. But no, I hold back. Plus I know once they do get back we will probably be out everyday.. So really I need to take in the alone time. Lets hope we do go out everyday so I'm not an idiot.

Erm...