Let me scream, and stop the binding.

"Now is the only time I know." -Fever Ray

I'm back at fighting with myself, I'm back at having everyone against me... At least in my own head this is how it comes off.
I let myself know and let myself become paranoid that everyone is upset with me, hates me, and is exhausted with me. I keep going against myself and I keep myself closed off from the world to keep from these thoughts from boiling.

I can't believe most of the shit that goes through my head, I can't believe I allow it. I'm never sure on how to start over again, cause once I try to it all comes back.


My time in Georgia is not perfect either and is making it so much worse. My father last week told him how I'm a big disappointment and questioning me.. Ever since I was little he did this, fucked with my head. I don't know why I ever looked up to him, spoke so highly of him. I drained myself this month and I'm ready to runaway from everything I know.
I'm ready to begin a clean slate but I'll just pull it all back to me instead of forgetting it.

Carbon Copies

I went through a high school reunion via facebook. Everyone is the exact same, such as everyone that were the "outcasts" have the stupid tattoo sleeves that everyone else and their mom has. The popular kids, of course not popular anymore but still act and look the same... No one moves on.. as always.

Bad Bad Time.

I thought to quickly on this whole big idea. I knew they fought, I knew they had their differences, I know dad drinks, I know Wendy enables him, but I didn't know how difficult it would be.

It seems I am regretting every single thought I had about this whole place. I am trying to get my GED in order, but its beyond painful trying to get all the information I need to get it all figured it all out. Where do I send my transcript? What's the fax number? I'm in the wrong place, someone tells me one thing but I have to do the other. I found out I did great on my test, but have to work on a couple of things so now I need to get my transcript from whoever it was sent to because no one ever told me where it ended up or if they got it...

I'm tired of Wendy getting pissed at my father because she lets it happen. SHE does it to herself and sets herself up for the kill. SHE lets him do whatever he pleases, TRIES to confront him but then just ends up coming against false promises. I need to get my GED then get the fuck out of here. I'm not finishing what I was suppose to start. I'm suppose to be like them, let everything go, let nothing bother me, be beyond breakable, and shut the fuck up. No one comes to my rescue since everyday I'm put in to a corner. I should come to my own rescue but I don't want to break down.

I need to swallow everything back but I don't know how. I hide out for a day, staying out of there way but that only makes its worse cause then it builds up and then the next day its worse.
"We love you."
You have a 1930's way of showing it...

"DO THIS"
"YOU'RE NOT TRYING"
"YOU DON'T CARE"
"IF YOU DON'T GET A JOB BEFORE MAY 1ST, WE'RE SHIPPING YOUR ASS BACK."

YEAH YEAH, at least you have parents to push you, at least you have someone taking care of you. If you had parents you would slowly despise of them too. I moved out of my mothers moved in with my sister, then with my grandmother, back to my sisters, and now to my fathers... I constantly make mistakes, I constantly get shut out.
I remember the summer I was suppose to move here I hated every minute of it.. I forgot about it until I got here again. It's only been a month and I can't bare it.

Not only my parents, but the people in Georgia, its out standing how rude, stupid, and oblivious they are! I am just so fucking shocked at these people. Whatever all I do is bitch, and I'm truly sick of it myself but I can't get out of my own head and its dragging me through a gravel road.

I'm ready to get this over with... I think I'm trying to find a home that I never had.. Even as a kid I was moved everywhere.. I never had a home, and if I did I never wanted to be there I wanted options I didn't want to be stuck in one place. The homes I had just were disgusting in all sorts of areas. I wish I knew what to do in most situations but I always crash and burn...

Long time.

New places seem to intimidate for no reason. It sucks to know absoultley no one and having to hang out with your parents :D Though the weeks they have been putting together seem quite busy.

Too much has been going on to even take it in.

Long time, can't wait to see.

My time in Dallas is counting down. I'm more than nervous about the whole move and the fresh new start. I don't know if I will be happy, pleased, or better off there.. But at least I can get my career going.

Today has been the worst day. I got a half assed manicure, my sister has no backbone, and I hate that I always have a chance with someone when I really have no chance at all. I'm ready to get away from most of the people here in TX. I keep being reminded I have some horrible friends that I can't trust, and family that seems to be more self absorbed than ever.

Oh well, I can't wait to get out of TX and leave most of these people behind.

Snap

Last night my friend turned to me and told me "I am jealous at the fact that you have never been in a relationship, and you know yourself so much better than I know myself." Now, she has been in a relationship since she was 13 yrs old. Never had a break longer than 2 months at least.
When she said that I couldn't help but smile cause its true. There are people at my age that couldn't even tell you the first thing about themselves, cause they try to find it in someone else.

Lately I have been happy with myself and happy with what I am doing. So there you go.. I got an answer and I am very pleased with it. So, I now understand that at least I do have something even better to shove in your face. :P

I'm Happy For You.

Okay, so I have noticed that every woman in my family has found somebody. My mother was single and is now going to spend Christmas with her new man, My Great Aunt was Single and is going to spend New Years with her new man, and my cousin which never wanted to settle down is now engaged.

As happy I am for them. I have become frustrated in all this. A damn tangle in my love life, oh what a shitty love life.

Funny.

Most people find it offensive, but I actually think it's funny.

Makes you think, cause people would not kill themselves in order to save the world (2012 the movie proves it.) We killed the earth a long time ago.. But if you give someone an inch they will run over the world.

Feeling Low? Go lower!

No matter how beautiful you think you are, no matter how confident you are today.. As soon as these gorgeous ladies came on to my television set I pretty much fell right back at the bottom of the food chain.

Now, we all know they're gorgeous no matter how much we pick them apart to try and feel better about the whole situation. I would love these ladies thighs, or hard flat stomach. It's just hard to hear "The 25 most beautiful women in the world!" Did they really have to say that? Killing every girls ego?

I have lately let go of the fact I'm not like these ladies, but becoming happier about myself. Might be the tattoo that's making it better for me.. But I haven't put myself down in awhile and I deserve this! No one should ever be told they're ugly, not good enough, change this change that! It's annoying and I have drawn my line.

I might slip along the way, but not as much. :D