Distract a Rat

Now, when time stops you're suppose to be in love, bliss, happy, and fucking perfect. When time stops for me it seems to go the opposite route. Either I have to close my eyes and pretend I never existed to the world or just blatantly tune out and drop out. Time keeps going faster and faster as I just stare at people. Wish I was her, pretending he was mine, plotting your death, and my favorite self loathing with all combinations.

Ya see, I was just recently tricked. That tricky tricky heart took me for a ride. Best high I had in years. Hopefully I'll find something to fill the void and distract me until I find some type of downer. Now, when I've become the beast I love oh so much, I tend to focus my attention toward someone I love... I am sorry my dears.

When leaving home I'm not sure where the flight will start but I hope it has what I've been reaching for. So I won't feel too much of the emptiness since being in the walls of a placenta. Completely horrible human, rat, creature business.

I miss you.

I really do. Its only been a short amount of time, but it still hurts. Not hearing from you. I waited and I guess I'll give up the fight now. I'll give up at all costs. I know I can't do anything to make everything ok, for you. But I wish you the best and I hope the best for you. I know you have a lot going on, but Im always here.

Chemicals, Chemical, Chemistry?

Self loathing always on hand. Well, I possess that to all ends.
I've found myself sick, sick and losing all sanity.
I was at work today, crying in the bathroom. Failure seems to linger all around me when I'm at work. I couldn't stop looking at it 13% 13% 13% 13%. What an evil little number with that face of Satan behind it. I spit on you, 13 fucking percent, my ass.
Then scroll on up to all the 40-80%. How dare you leave me behind. I thought no man was left behind? I hate my job, I hate the customers. The customers are the definition of WASTE. The onion to my eye, the sewer rats eating on a ripe decapitated torso, and the pendulum to my victim.

Second, this boy, this creature. Another reason I want to rip out my heart pound it on the desk in front of him and tell him to just fucking stab it, so we can both be bad. He's a lazy piece of shit that gets under my skin while massaging every inch of it. I can't get him out of the way cause I want him right in front of me. I've been patient and the little coward is stumbling towards me. Why I like him? Here are some pro's.
1. True gentleman
2. Adorable
3. The MALE version of me.
Fuck how do I give number 3 up? Well it should be simple since I hate me. I need to move on cause he is in quick sand in the middle of the Sahara, and I am suppose to save him. WHERE DO I START TO EVEN FIND THIS DICK?

Third, I woke up at 3 a.m. last night, or this morning, what have you. Plotting my own death. Ugh, its a thin line when you start to think of it to calm yourself down. No attention needed, just need to vent. I know this is no light note, you fools. But believe me if I don't get it out, I'll just take it out. Simple.

I know I do it.

I know I won't give it up. I wish I could, but this feeling has taken over on all ends. I just can't believe I did it again. I can't believe I let it happen. Stop doing this to me. Stop fucking doing this.

2009, gimme gimme.

Give me everything I missed out for the last years of my life. Give me the happiness I've never experienced. Give me the taste I've been in desire with. Give me that boy I had my eye on. Give me the attraction and satisfaction I've had in the back of my head. Let me have a real smile. Let me have the eyes of the vultures.

I've had a lot in the past years, but they were all material. I'm excited for 2009. I hope for once the pain will go away, for once I will open up, and for once I won't push people away.

I Feel So special.

it was nice. I'm glad I got to wake up next to you.

Haha, Swine.

I saw it.
I saw that true side I've been waiting for. You can say goodbye. I hope it was worth it in the end. I know you have a lot going on right now, but don't sit there and lie to me. Your just adding to your own problems. I woke up and I really am not even in it to fight to get you back. Funny how things work.

RAT in Human Form.

Last time.

Rats on the Edge of my Bed.

I felt the slim, heart felt apology coming. I felt a sudden change in the way he took my hand. I knew he wanted more from me. I was tired, my head ached with fear. My bed held many stories, many secrets, many nightmares. Nothing more terrifying then him on the edge of my bed, and feeling the rejection, soon panic. I wanted to move closer, I wanted to touch him beneath my palms. I wanted to breathe so softly upon him. But I knew he would push me away. I saw the people hiding behind the walls, the people that made me loathe beneath my exterior. The claw prints I made the other night, out of hate, out of fear, out of pain, and out of pity. I would do anything for attention, I have found. My depression sinks so deep that I feel sane enough to bleed. I thought this terror had let go, but it seems once I dig deep in to his eyes. The tidal wave strikes and pulls me down with the sharks.

I'm ready for it to end, but yet haven't even dared to give up the fight. I know somethings there... I know somethings there.

Cut Me off, really.

I asked for a break in the last post. I got a break... I got a huge fucking slap in the face. As well did he. It should be more about you. But now I feel liked I'm never going to see you, now I feel like you've drifted away even further. The night before was great, and then it had to come down on me like hail last night. I probably didn't have the fear overwhelm me as much as you. But I'm right here, I wish you would take my hand when I extend it out. You seem to walk right past it, but turn around once its down. I have to pretend it was never there. For once take it, and for once I'll pull you in.

Don't do this, not now.

Don't let me down, again. Please just do it cause you've never had the balls to ask me out any where. So I finally did, rather than just coming over. 2009 cut me a break, please.

A Friend.

Fucking friends man,

I'm not sure what they are suppose to consist of anymore. It seems I always do something wrong in order to get a treatment of pure failure. I guess I should call more, I guess I should consume my life around it, and I guess this could be wrong. But it sure seems with a couple of them I did something wrong... I didn't call, I didn't promise something, or I just didn't care enough? I'm sure there's answer. Or oh! I lied.... I said one thing then did another. I change my mind all the time as so does everyone else. I'm sorry if at that time I didn't care, but then I started to. Whatever it was just let it go for now. Maybe I'm the one that needs to change, but its my nature would you love me any other way? I would think not.

The Love Stories of my Time.

My sweet baby,

my bitter tasting lips caress your face. My hands find a home on your breast bone. I find it to be love when you make me crawl across the floor. I find it to be love when you twirl your finger around my tiny body. Separated from the world, but still charging towards you as if we have been with out each other for years.
Take your eyes and search for a reason to say no. Let me drag you near the ocean. Let me slip inside for awhile. I want to be the one who has the last breath, the last memory. You have given me all I have wanted, except this one thing. Let me have it and pour it in a pitcher. Serve it around the courses of meals. Let me taste you for an eternity, hold you in the palm of my hand for a lifetime. Always have you around my pocket.
I want you on my hip at all times. It's absurd of me, but please let me have you.