Watch a Girl Grow, I Grow BIG.

I got that one hand then I got the other. I got the one trigger then I got the grenade. I got the boy but then I want to be that girl. I found myself at the worlds edge and putting on a show for you. I place myself in front of the stage and dance and dance for your entertainment.
I got the trigger then I got the grenade.

I showed up unannounced, I knew she would love that. I knew she would be so happy, her daughter in-law showing up to her own sons birthday party. I deserved to be there. I fuck the him for christ sakes, now let me be there to sit by him and tease him under the table, right in front of the head bitch. I entered into the living room where all the family gathered. I was dressed in all white to remind them I'm married to this man. Silence crashed down as soon as I walked in. All faces blank and in complete horror. I could here them "Why is she here and who invited her?"
"Minnie, what are you doing here?" She fucking said it. Even with a snarl at the end. "It's my husbands birthday, I would like to enjoy it with him. I figured that wouldn't be a problem." Stale talking from myself. His father, Mervin, typical, got up from his chair and walked towards me. He put his arm around my waist. "Well, of course dear. Come on in. Lets get you a seat." Only the men loved me. Women hated me for their own reasons. I guess they knew I could and WOULD snatch their men away. "Thank you, Mervin."

I sat right next to my husband and Mervin sat on the other side of me. "So, Minnie how have you been. Seems I haven't seen you in awhile."
"You haven't Mervin, for choices that were not up to me. But I am good, thank you." He turned his heads towards the scrunt. Gave her a look of a certain HOW DARE YOU magnitude. She gave it right back to him. "Well, Minnie we are glad to have you here. Please stay for a while. Can I get you anything?"
"No I'm fine thank you." The whole entire family just pounded their hate on top of me, with their stares, snarls, lips, and thoughts. I just held on to my husband the only one who cared enough to keep holding on to me knowing he was happy I was there. The only person who would die for him. I looked at him, he smiled to me. "I'm happy you came. I don't think I could have made it through the day."

I love him. "Well, how could I give up a chance to make your mother stir crazy?" We laughed all day and only looked at one another. We were happy.

Second Guess, I hate it.

I'm second guessing my "ability" to do things. I thought this time I would be better. I would have gotten better with live shots. But infact I am right back where I started. SHIT SHIT SHIT. When doing a friends head shots they came out fucking amazing. BEAUTIFUL, I WAS IMPRESSED BY THEM, AS IF I DIDN'T DO THEM. I know its a easier to do head shots then live shots. But I am investing into a new digital camera (not NEW its a Nikon D40. Megapixels are a scam. Remember that.) It also comes with an extra zoom lens which I am excited about. I hope to god I can get my shit together for the 21st and be able to step up from everything else I have done in the past. Be able to have my head up high and people be HAPPY about the outcome and referring me to others and taking me where ever they go! Well not take me, but still you see what I am saying? It's one of the worst pains to feel as though you failed when they depended on you. Check out the shots and let me know.

HEAD SHOTS:

-Kasey DeVille





BLESSED BY A CURSE:




No, not that many of the band... Only cause stupid me didn't upload them to my computer first. They are all on film. I dunno I'm pissed cause I didn't give a great first impression.

Capital Punishment.

I figured I would tag along for the ride, the laughs, and of course the memories. No memory I want to remember I thought. Not a word out of my mouth the entire night. Hanging out with a bunch of kids my age, younger, and older. 'Why is she even here?' was what runs through my mind all night. I at one point took upon myself to make a deal, a deal which included DONT EVER DO THIS AGAIN. Don't ever try this again cause you always end up crashing a burning. Only go for what you needed to do, what you had to do, and get the fuck out. I knew that I even warned myself. Don't say yes never say yes you end up in a whirl of shit and you have to float in it all night. I always end up regretting it. I have anxiety with people. Use to not be as bad. But now my mouth only opens when talked to. I find it very hard to live and deal with. No one understands that.

I was way out of my limit and comfort zone. My memories are all the same..... I don't have one to tell cause its just a piece of shit. Then you start to understand why your life is the way it is. You start to see it a little clearer.

A New Loathing.

I seemed to be experiencing some technical difficulties with this bitch. I told her over and over again what I wanted and she just stared at me with those doe eyes smacking her fucking gum. I wanted to rip her jaw clean off. "Sir, I can't help you with this problem. We don't have it." She must have been about 16 and she was a fucking cunt. "Listen I called before I came you said you HAD IT. Now you don't, its a little odd to me." She didn't know what to say she was blank on what to say. She didn't understand the concept of lying. The bitch could at least try to lie to me.... I decided, lets make this the worst day of her life. What the hell could I do to just make her want to kill herself? Not ask for a manager. No no she would just say I was an asshole and wouldn't stop looking at her tits. She did have great tits by the way.
But, I couldn't grope her I would go to jail. I just wanted to make her cry, and not get fucked up the ass cause the soap slipped. I looked her dead in the eye "Listen what I really wanted to do was just fuck you. I stood here fighting with you for foreplay. I have the hugest fucking dick and would love for you to fall to your knee's and swallow every inch."

She looked at me for a second and I could tell she wanted to. In a 16 year olds eyes fucking an older person was the SHIT! She nodded towards the back room and I smiled. I let her guide me. She flapped her jaw until we got there. She opened the door and we went inside this abandoned room which smelled like cigarettes. They were probably practicing for the boys.

"Drop em." Well she went straight to the point.... So I unzipped my pants and let them fall to my ankles. Tossed off my underwear and she looked at me with utter shock. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? IS THIS SOME KIND OF FUCKING JOKE?!!" As I smiled and felt the tears starting to come from her eyes I laughed. She ran out screaming. I looked in the broken mirror dangling from the wall and just smiled. I had my dick cut off when I was 19 because a girl that liked me figured if she couldn't have it no one could. So instead of a dick I have a 3 inch thumb instead. Doesn't do much but at least something is there.

Black Valley. Or Maybe the hell of Suburbia.

Driving home from work with Mozart in channel with the wind. I find classical music the only medication I need for insanity. Noticing not a car behind me, in front, beside.... No where to be found. I found myself to think. Am I all alone in the world, finally? Can I take what my heart desires? Can I scream and no one would hear me? The near silence was rather frightening. How could a state this big be this quiet? Hoping for a beast to run out in the middle of the road and kill me. Hoping for an answer to why its so quiet. Then again you must laugh its 3 a.m. Finally I wasn't alone a car past by. Disturbing me. I then was pulling up to the stop light I make a right at in order to come home. I thought I could kill a man and no one would know until morning. I could take his head clean off and spread his remains around the house. A surprise here and a surprise there. I always wanted to see blood under the moons light. It turns black..... Shows the mans real insides. Shows he is a cold hearted pig. With blood running black. I held back figured rest would ease me. Since this music made my eye lids heavy. The world was perfect for a second of my life. It was the empty streets its been needing. I could finally make a path.

Maybe so.

I lived in the palm of the devils hand. He kept a watch over me at all times. I'm never sure what the purpose of my doings were, but for some reason seemed I had to wrap my hands around a barrel of a gun, a soft neck, or the waist of a woman. I had a small itch, a craving if you will to see this girl home. I did it for safety reasons, when really she wasn't safe at all with me crawling by her side. She had a smile that crossed her face and never ended. Her hair for miles and miles that I stroked and cleaned from her face in order to see those big beautiful green eyes. She was so sweet and fragile. I knew exactly what I needed to do to her. I wanted to first fuck her. Then gently stroke her stomach and make her eyes close. Make her feel perfect. Take a blade thats been hiding and slice her throat. I wanted to then hang her from the ceiling and let the blood drain down her body to create a fountain for a swine like I. She would get special attention. I only did this for a few girls.
There is a plan for everyone and I made sure to make it come accordingly. I loved them all.
I saw her to her door and she turned around with that same smile. "Thank you for walking me home." "No problem at all." "Well, so I guess I'll call you tomorrow?" My face must have turned a pale pale color and I boiled with hate and rage. HOW DARE SHE NOT SEE ME IN. How dare she let me just stand here under the darkness to only walk back home. I then kept it together knowing this is all planned out and must come accordingly, right? "Yea, I would like that a lot. Maybe we can go out next week." She turned her head back towards the door. It was a perfect chance for me to kill her right then and there. I should have but kept back. "Thank you again, Micheal. I would invite you in for something to drink, but I'm tired."
She lied to me she knew exactly who I was and I must run to get away from her trap. "I'll call you when I can. " She looked frightened she knew I wasn't some big dumb beast. "But Micheal..." I walked away and never saw her again. I never did.. I felt she was more of a monster than I.

2 Stories, for the price of uno.

Oh shit, its that day again?... Well I guess I'll force my body up. Ahhh, what do they have me for? Yes, yes I remember I took the spit from his mouth. I uhh, took that glimmer of his eye, right? They got me for murder. Well, I gotta pay one day right? Shit, never thought I would be on the other side of this animals hell bin. Well, I figured if I clutched his neck he might know when to close it. When not to take that breath of rage. I guess I lost in the end, yea? I guess he took my dignity down to hell with him. Shaking hands with the devil and has me right beside him. I must appear as a ghost. I must be as pale as a winters day. You know, ever since that one single night every dream has become a nightmare, every glance has his shadow, every word comes out as his. Hell, I don't even have the same voice anymore, its his. Stories like these never seem to be let down then, eh?

Yup (s)HE had a night.


I had one drink, just one and they came up to me. Already had hate and rage bubbling in their palms and throats. I minded my own business knowing even one glance would make them all nervous and pounce upon their prey. So I uh just stared at the television planted on to the wall, watching god only knows what. Seemed like a combo of porn and sports, but with the back alley porn stars, not the glamorous whores. So, the main beast tapped me on the shoulder. I cocked my head in his direction hoping he had the wrong guy. "Yes?" "You Cougar?" What an interesting name. So happy I was not to own it. Cougar must of meant idiot, for fucking with these guys. "No, I'm not sorry to say." "You not Cougar?" Nice caveman slang he had going for himself. "No, no I'm not." They walked away disappointed, hoping to throw their guns in the air and pretend it was the old west again. Frightened I was, since it was going to be 5 against one, and of course no gun. I never liked guns.

Pussy Tales.