The Beast I Still Love.

Its hard. I'll go to his page, look around and then slowly slip in to that horrible feeling again. I keep going back to make that pain dig deeper.
When I get a message I think its him, when I see a truck just like his I pray its him, when I pass by a certain gas station it never fails I look for him. It will never go away no matter how much I push out, I'll drown myself in to it. I do it only because once I see a familiar part of him I feel happy again. I smile the way I did with him. He was the first one to push down a barrier no man could. That's why it hurt when it just stopped.
I did find him, but had to let it go. Makes me sick to think I will never feel that way again.
Every guy that try's, I push away, become an extreme nightmare to them.
Cause I feel the pain, knowing I will feel it again with someone else... If I let them in.

I wish every night he would come back. I dream about him every night. No exaggerations needed. In every dream either I see him again and he try's to get my attention, or its me doing the same thing or hiding. I wish I never let this happen. I wish things would have been settled a different way.

Terror is put to the Test.

I was watching the news with our latest terrorist update, with my grandmother to the left of me I looked over and asked her "What were they planning on proving?" She shrugged her shoulders and said "They're terrorists."

Now as skeptic as I am about 9/11 being caused by terrorist from Iraq, I began to question. Has the media completely brainwashed us in to not even questioning a terrorist motives, but to just say "Its cause they're terrorists, its what they do"? Now I thought maybe since she is my grandmother she is older, maybe wiser. Then my head shook and couldn't believe its come to this. Yes she was the generation where she was table fed all the lies the government could cover up, cook up, and just plain rob us of our intelligence.

But yet it seems to still rest on the matter, and the government have become so powerful that even if we tried to over throw them we wouldn't have a chance in hell and they would not hold back their gun fire. I don't understand why people decide to just nod and smile like everything is ok. It's not. Our freedom is slowly being taken away from us, FREEDOM in general has become the punch line for America. Sickning.

Ugly Girl.

I noticed when I thought I was making myself pretty, was really making myself ugly again. I guess to make people look at me but in the bad way. I just got back from Cali, and I find I am set back in my ways of anger, disgust, pain, and near depression. Its sad when a job, state, and a sence of failure can nearly kill your mental state, and in a matter of hours from just getting off a plane. I'm not sure where I belong but it isn't here, not like this. If I looked back on my life in 30 yrs.... I would probably be brought back to this feeling too. I wanted to cry when I was on the plane... Cause I knew I was a mile closer to pain. I don't believe in heaven, but hell is a different story. We all have hell in the palm of our hands, but mine has taken over like an infection.

I can't believe a job can do this to me. I do have amazing benefits, I have a great salary, I have nothing to gain from this place. everyone that works there leaves.. quickly I might add. Im not sure where I'm going but if it keeps going on this path.. I won't be around for much longer. I dont know what to do anymore.

If I quit, I have to find a new job and quick. If I quit, I wont be paid as well. If I quit, I will have no idea what to fucking do.... It makes me so cloudy... This fucking job makes me feel like I cant do anything else... I have never been bad at a job until this shit. I can't believe its come down to this.

Disgust.

Have you ever looked at a friend then became disgusted by them? They weren't doing anything to deserve the judgment, but you knew something was there they aren't telling you. You know somethings wrong.

Anyways, seems fairly eventful. Next week will be the best week

1. I get to see Jackyl.
2. Won't be at work.

So its exciting. I have so much shit to do.