My rant for ME, MYSELF, AND i.

No one will care.
But I have become a new TOMS fan, not for the stupid style, not to be "cool", but because they're comfy and I got a new pair tonight and I got to help out a kid for the second time :D EEE HEEHEHEHEEEE hurry up and get on my front door step.

Smoke Pretty :D

WHERE DO I BUY THESE?! What must I do?

Wow, this photo just made my day.

Thank you whoever uploaded/created this image :D
Now, may Ms. Monroe read your palm? She didn't really die she actually became Madame Zera off the corner of 5th and 8th. Good luck with that.

It's starting to get worse.

Interesting day indeed.
I'm not sure how to describe it, other than I rather not.
But tonight hopefully it will get better. I'm happy to have one of my baby's back.
So now it's Lelu, Leibovitz, and I.
I'm now missing two of my babies.

R.I.P.
PIGGY

Facebook, GONE

Feels good. I did this with myspace. But seriously I was so sick of only having people reach me through that. DONE DONE AND DONE.

Fiction.

I picked up a note from off the side of the street. The person that wrote it kept asking "Why did you do this to me? I loved you so much."
I wonder if they are looking for this exact note right now, knowing it dropped by the side of the road for someone else to find and even be reminded of their past lovers? Did they not realize this might hurt them more than the other person hurt the writer? Selfish people.
But when I read the letter I had to laugh, because it was so sad and yet so uplifting. At the end of the note it stated "Maybe one day we can be with one another again, if not I hope you have a wonderful life."
Now, if someone wrote you a letter stating how much YOU hurt them, do you really want them to have a wonderful life OR do you mean this sarcastically in leaving the door open for them to come rushing back?.. Because you seem so vulnerable and pathetic?
Personally I would have never written a note, email, or text stating this. If the situation you both were in that seemed to make you unhappy, would you go rushing back because OLD memories are better than awkward feelings when you meet up again for the first time in 6 months?
WHAT DO I SAY TO HIM? DO I MENTION HE MADE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT? DO I MENTION HE RIPPED MY HEART OUT?
DO I MENTION SHE'S A BITCH FOR FUCKING MY FRIEND? DO I MENTION SHE RIPPED MY HEART OUT?

Or you could find someone new to fight with?

If soaked in oil, would you dare light my cigarette?

It's been too long since I've complained.
It's been too long since I could say something right.

I find myself rewriting everything I've once processed. I'm never sure what to think about the people that surround me. My mother is turning in to a darker more weaker tree. My father is becoming mad. The parents I looked up to, could tell everything to, have burst in to flames and completely changed. Why was I never warned? What are they now? Most of my family has disappeared... Everything has changed so drastically. I wasn't ready for it, I don't know what to think... I'm scared for the most part. I see so much of them in myself and I try to make that go far far away. I can't end up like them, emotionally I can't handle it. I can't even deal with them now.
When talking to them on the phone I don't know what to say to them.

After I get off the phone with them I never understand what just happened. I don't understand their state of mind at this point. I feel most people in my life now are more than disposable. These people, these type of friends don't last long, so I tell them nothing worth hearing.
I'm scared of a relationship cause I think I might end up like my parents... As much as I want to have a relationship with someone, I freak out once it gets to close.. Like its too good to be true if it happens to me. Why would it happen to me?

This is getting old and sickening.

ha.

Its been a weird couple of weeks, I keep getting torn by friends at home telling me to come home since it's not the best situation for me out here. Which it isn't I hate it here, but then I talk to family back home and it seems my mother could give two shits.
I hate complaining about this crap cause its really pointless...
I just can't go to sleep unless I cry myself to sleep its becoming ridiculous.
All the things they keep saying to me, or what I've heard them say behind my back its just pure bullshit. I'm becoming very very tired.....

Got it.

Everyone is moving on... BUT ME. I finally woke the fuck up.

Let me scream, and stop the binding.

"Now is the only time I know." -Fever Ray

I'm back at fighting with myself, I'm back at having everyone against me... At least in my own head this is how it comes off.
I let myself know and let myself become paranoid that everyone is upset with me, hates me, and is exhausted with me. I keep going against myself and I keep myself closed off from the world to keep from these thoughts from boiling.

I can't believe most of the shit that goes through my head, I can't believe I allow it. I'm never sure on how to start over again, cause once I try to it all comes back.


My time in Georgia is not perfect either and is making it so much worse. My father last week told him how I'm a big disappointment and questioning me.. Ever since I was little he did this, fucked with my head. I don't know why I ever looked up to him, spoke so highly of him. I drained myself this month and I'm ready to runaway from everything I know.
I'm ready to begin a clean slate but I'll just pull it all back to me instead of forgetting it.

Carbon Copies

I went through a high school reunion via facebook. Everyone is the exact same, such as everyone that were the "outcasts" have the stupid tattoo sleeves that everyone else and their mom has. The popular kids, of course not popular anymore but still act and look the same... No one moves on.. as always.

Bad Bad Time.

I thought to quickly on this whole big idea. I knew they fought, I knew they had their differences, I know dad drinks, I know Wendy enables him, but I didn't know how difficult it would be.

It seems I am regretting every single thought I had about this whole place. I am trying to get my GED in order, but its beyond painful trying to get all the information I need to get it all figured it all out. Where do I send my transcript? What's the fax number? I'm in the wrong place, someone tells me one thing but I have to do the other. I found out I did great on my test, but have to work on a couple of things so now I need to get my transcript from whoever it was sent to because no one ever told me where it ended up or if they got it...

I'm tired of Wendy getting pissed at my father because she lets it happen. SHE does it to herself and sets herself up for the kill. SHE lets him do whatever he pleases, TRIES to confront him but then just ends up coming against false promises. I need to get my GED then get the fuck out of here. I'm not finishing what I was suppose to start. I'm suppose to be like them, let everything go, let nothing bother me, be beyond breakable, and shut the fuck up. No one comes to my rescue since everyday I'm put in to a corner. I should come to my own rescue but I don't want to break down.

I need to swallow everything back but I don't know how. I hide out for a day, staying out of there way but that only makes its worse cause then it builds up and then the next day its worse.
"We love you."
You have a 1930's way of showing it...

"DO THIS"
"YOU'RE NOT TRYING"
"YOU DON'T CARE"
"IF YOU DON'T GET A JOB BEFORE MAY 1ST, WE'RE SHIPPING YOUR ASS BACK."

YEAH YEAH, at least you have parents to push you, at least you have someone taking care of you. If you had parents you would slowly despise of them too. I moved out of my mothers moved in with my sister, then with my grandmother, back to my sisters, and now to my fathers... I constantly make mistakes, I constantly get shut out.
I remember the summer I was suppose to move here I hated every minute of it.. I forgot about it until I got here again. It's only been a month and I can't bare it.

Not only my parents, but the people in Georgia, its out standing how rude, stupid, and oblivious they are! I am just so fucking shocked at these people. Whatever all I do is bitch, and I'm truly sick of it myself but I can't get out of my own head and its dragging me through a gravel road.

I'm ready to get this over with... I think I'm trying to find a home that I never had.. Even as a kid I was moved everywhere.. I never had a home, and if I did I never wanted to be there I wanted options I didn't want to be stuck in one place. The homes I had just were disgusting in all sorts of areas. I wish I knew what to do in most situations but I always crash and burn...

Long time.

New places seem to intimidate for no reason. It sucks to know absoultley no one and having to hang out with your parents :D Though the weeks they have been putting together seem quite busy.

Too much has been going on to even take it in.

Long time, can't wait to see.

My time in Dallas is counting down. I'm more than nervous about the whole move and the fresh new start. I don't know if I will be happy, pleased, or better off there.. But at least I can get my career going.

Today has been the worst day. I got a half assed manicure, my sister has no backbone, and I hate that I always have a chance with someone when I really have no chance at all. I'm ready to get away from most of the people here in TX. I keep being reminded I have some horrible friends that I can't trust, and family that seems to be more self absorbed than ever.

Oh well, I can't wait to get out of TX and leave most of these people behind.