Its hard. I'll go to his page, look around and then slowly slip in to that horrible feeling again. I keep going back to make that pain dig deeper.
When I get a message I think its him, when I see a truck just like his I pray its him, when I pass by a certain gas station it never fails I look for him. It will never go away no matter how much I push out, I'll drown myself in to it. I do it only because once I see a familiar part of him I feel happy again. I smile the way I did with him. He was the first one to push down a barrier no man could. That's why it hurt when it just stopped.
I did find him, but had to let it go. Makes me sick to think I will never feel that way again.
Every guy that try's, I push away, become an extreme nightmare to them.
Cause I feel the pain, knowing I will feel it again with someone else... If I let them in.
I wish every night he would come back. I dream about him every night. No exaggerations needed. In every dream either I see him again and he try's to get my attention, or its me doing the same thing or hiding. I wish I never let this happen. I wish things would have been settled a different way.
1 comment:
holy crap i couldn't have written a more exact entry myself. im sure you know but seriously...i have felt every single one of these feelings. i was going to book club with my roommate on Wed and i swear i saw him in his car (even though we were nowhere close to him). it automatically made my heart start pounding and me get that little 'pang' even though i saw the guy like 3 weeks ago. fucking memories and the emotions that come with...it's the worst. but i can tell you it does get better. i have over 365 days worth of memories and they have started to fade...the feelings too.
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