Snap

Last night my friend turned to me and told me "I am jealous at the fact that you have never been in a relationship, and you know yourself so much better than I know myself." Now, she has been in a relationship since she was 13 yrs old. Never had a break longer than 2 months at least.
When she said that I couldn't help but smile cause its true. There are people at my age that couldn't even tell you the first thing about themselves, cause they try to find it in someone else.

Lately I have been happy with myself and happy with what I am doing. So there you go.. I got an answer and I am very pleased with it. So, I now understand that at least I do have something even better to shove in your face. :P

I'm Happy For You.

Okay, so I have noticed that every woman in my family has found somebody. My mother was single and is now going to spend Christmas with her new man, My Great Aunt was Single and is going to spend New Years with her new man, and my cousin which never wanted to settle down is now engaged.

As happy I am for them. I have become frustrated in all this. A damn tangle in my love life, oh what a shitty love life.

Funny.

Most people find it offensive, but I actually think it's funny.

Makes you think, cause people would not kill themselves in order to save the world (2012 the movie proves it.) We killed the earth a long time ago.. But if you give someone an inch they will run over the world.

Feeling Low? Go lower!

No matter how beautiful you think you are, no matter how confident you are today.. As soon as these gorgeous ladies came on to my television set I pretty much fell right back at the bottom of the food chain.

Now, we all know they're gorgeous no matter how much we pick them apart to try and feel better about the whole situation. I would love these ladies thighs, or hard flat stomach. It's just hard to hear "The 25 most beautiful women in the world!" Did they really have to say that? Killing every girls ego?

I have lately let go of the fact I'm not like these ladies, but becoming happier about myself. Might be the tattoo that's making it better for me.. But I haven't put myself down in awhile and I deserve this! No one should ever be told they're ugly, not good enough, change this change that! It's annoying and I have drawn my line.

I might slip along the way, but not as much. :D

Ill just let the photo talk for now.

Happy Photo Time.

No wonder they call it the Devils Tower. I saw this image and fell in love. Now if only I could capture something of that same caliber I would be happy.

Tomorrow I start my tattoo. I'm excited but nervous all at the same time, because originally it was suppose to be my whole entire back, but I became uncomfortable with that. So, now its going to be on my entire calf. It's of a peacock, now they represent a lot of things but my main importance of this tattoo is change. People are going to hate it, think its tacky, and just get upset. That's their problem, not mine. I'm so nervous I just don't want to be disgusted 20 yrs later about it.

yep.

Questions.. Thoughts... Pure Confusion

I never wanted to get married, even as a child. My parents ruined a lot of normal things for me. Just recently though, I have been really wanting a steady relationship that would lead to marriage. I don't know what overcame me, but it's been a couple of months that I've been thinking about it. At the rate I am going it doesn't seem like my wish could come true.

On that subject (again) as if a sense for it, I keep seeing myself with no one in the future. I keep just seeing myself all alone, its frustrating. But lately I have also been rebelling like no fucking other. I'm about to get a full calf tattoo, shaved the side of my head, piercing more holes in my ear then needed (doing it myself as well.) I don't think rebelling is really the word, but going through a weird stage, I feel like I'm 16. Pre-midlife crisis?

I'm never sure.

I've been eating away at myself. It seems when you have one foot in the hole, the other one pushes until your ankle breaks, and that's when your foot starts to budge.
Lately I've been a little not myself. I don't know if its cause the environment I am not happy with, or if its I'm not getting what I really want. Questions all the damn time, whats the point of an answer when it follows up with another question?

BORING.

Adrift and at Peace

I love this song "Adrift and at Peace" but I cannot say I feel that way. This sort of ties in with the last blog with detail and explanation to a degree.

When someone tells you about another persons interest you instantly become happy and excited for a new relationship, no matter the standards. You wait for him to come and say hi or even catch your eye. You try to be patient for them, until that night you just set yourself up for nothing. Oh, how I could tell you how many times that has happened. If need be I can just write my own love story from beginning to end. Yet it lacks love... So maybe a guide on depression.

I can tell you how to act in case you know that maybe its just not going to fucking happen.
I can tell you how much to drink and what to drink to make sure you don't remember anything yesterday. It's like a blackout.
I can tell you that this might just keep happening, until we grow some balls.

What I can't tell you, is if you might just get the guy. I can give you a percentage, but no satisfaction guaranteed.

It's been a LONG two days.
I hope the best for tomorrow. I hope the damn best for tomorrow.

High Hopes

It doesn't matter what others have told you, what they say, what they do, how they even look at you, or even if they do show intrest. They all end up failing in the end. I always push my hopes to the next level trying to figure out what I can do to grab their attention, or what it would be like when I am with them.
It all gets ripped to shreds once you're face to face.

I hope this whole spitting in my face goes away soon, because its been happening since I had my first crush.

It looks perfect, you're a king!

Well, now it's been a weird couple of weeks. Constant rumble of hormones and anger just finding its way around each activity I come across. I just wish that maybe I could settle down and just not care for a couple of months. Just sit back and let whatever happens, let it happen. No matter how horrible the situation. It would make the world an easier place to live if people didn't care, boring but simpler.

Each thought weighs you down, any bad thing that's said about you you blow it out of proportion, and when you hate yourself you find it comforting to sit a loathe.

hERMes....

Well right now its 10:24 p.m. in Georgiai and I'm by myself while my parents are out in Seattle and I have been badgering myself. Only because I won't go out like my parents were thinking I would. I don't know anyone in this god forsaken city. The people are rude like in TX, creepy even. I'm not a slut so I can't find someone to bring home (except one guy, but I'm not gonna go looking like a fucking idiot.)

I just wish I could get some xanex to calm my nerves and just say FUCK IT IM GOING OUT. But no, I hold back. Plus I know once they do get back we will probably be out everyday.. So really I need to take in the alone time. Lets hope we do go out everyday so I'm not an idiot.

Erm...

Better Options?

I am able to cancel my flight for the next trip out of here. I am extremely tempted. But the first reason I do believe is because I have caused attention to myself with a dress that causes attention in all the right places. But its at a restaurant that my parents go quite frequently, so when my madre went back for drinks with friends one of the CUTE waiters came up to her and asked "Is Trish going to comeback? When will she comeback? When is she leaving?" Why do I always find someone some where in which I DON'T LIVE? I hate this.

But on the bright side I am going to Disney World Oct 23-28th!!! YAY.

I just want to see that guy again.

New moon

So my stepmother has the whole twilight series and I am actually speeding through I can see why people love it. Also Edward is fuckin perfect and will only exsist in a book. No one can look perfect and act perfect but also fall in love with a boring bitch like bella. She makes me cringe. And now... I'm one of thoughs weirdos.

Couple of hours and a handful of change.

Georgia in 18 hrs. Crazy.

I've been noticing with the new hair, a lot of people stare at my "bald" spot for a long time. They will be standing next to me just starring at it. I'm not talking about one person. I'm talking about a bunch. I don't have some disgusting scar on the side of my head, some obscene tattoo, or a scab right there... It's just a spot I shaved. Whats so captivating about that? Other than that it's a little pixie cut.. So, I'm not some punk. People are strange.

I bought Sgt. Peppers Lonely Heart Club Band. I can't put it down. I watched a documentary on it and figured I would get it. My expectations were met. The Beatles are coming back with a big bang. They always seem to do that. Like they're trying to always remind us that their still the best pop/rock band ever. Which I'm not scolding them for, but if the light begins to flicker, they have to add a new flame to the mix.

This is my 9/11

photo by: Trish :D

I didn't do anything today. Except take snapshots since I have been neglectful to my camera, which I find weird for me. But 9/11 always has this hold on people..

iIdiot.

What is so hard about simply placing on the homepage of iTunes "We don't carry ALL artists, sorry if you had to update this piece of shit and then thought maybe since it says 'Since you haven't updated iTunes, you might not be getting all the results.' then you try again and fail. P.S. WE ARE BETTER THAN YOU."
I hate apple, yes I do confess I own a handy ipod... Its pretty I feel for it like the rest of the world. Plus the customer service is disgusting.



That's my bitching for today. I've been enjoying myself for awhile. Got a chance to catch up on The Office, with season 5! I always wait until dvd cause I hate having to fucking wait for the next show then the next. But the dvd is a longer wait. I try not to call myself out on that. My cats are about to be thrown against a wall. They're in heat and when I go up to them they bow their heads and stick their asses in the air, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME NASTY BITCHES.
I could get them spaded, but I have no money.


I really want some pancakes right now.

Don't you want to watch me come down from here?

Plane ride. to GA. Means. I. Need. To. Rent a movie. So I don't. Have the exciting. Life Features. Of. Panic Attacks.


Well, I really wanted to write something, don't know what useless information I can fill in today.
But, today I am getting a haircut and color. Not much you can do with a semi-mohawk..

HEY WATCH THIS MOVIE:

Heart Attacks and Paranoia

So in a week and a couple of days I will be making my trip down to Georgia. I am excited for all the fun to come, including: The Varsity (The number one place that guarantee's violent diarrhea for weeks! And have been using their original oil since 1930's.) Dad's outbursts, and pure class at the nice restaurants I've been promised to.
I'm excited to get away from TX though, making me ill. As anywhere you have lived your whole life is bound to gag you. But when I get back from Georgia its on to job searching again, gross. I loved my break though! I couldn't say I've been happier, cause really that place was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I knew it wasn't meant to be from the start. But hey! Great fucking money. I prefer happiness over money any day.

Hey, lets travel.

Let me Post it on my end.

Yes I've become semi-comfortable with the thought that I might be alone when withering down. I might be at ease when my age starts counting down. But at 21 feeling as though that might be the statement at the end of my chapter.. Is quite frightening. To think that I will never know what it feels like, what grows, what evolves, and what becomes of two people coming in to one. Its a depressing realization. I don't like it but I always prepare for the worst.. Because so far in my life its been nothing but this. I know the outcome of everything because I planned it that way, I held myself back, I was the negative asshole who let you down, I am the reason to most unfortunate events. That's at least what I've been told... But lets see where this all started...

When I was younger I was told I wouldn't amount to much.. But you can do whatever you want. A bit hypocritical. Only remembering the pain they put me through.. Because it sunk so deep its all I knew to do, to learn, and to see. I took all my hate and pain to the next level the people around me deteriorated. So, I do blame myself for not pushing further, to not have any determination, and no confidence. But when also being told "You need to loose weight in order for someone to like you." It burns and burns until the next severed blade returns home.

I love my parents.. But they didn't know how to show me the right way to be a person.. The right way to love everything and anything the way it is. But that's the whole damn world, so no one is better than anyone and no one is special for anything they've been through. Because lets face it we all think one is worse than the other. Pain comes in all different short stories. Lets just respect it.

Fucking a.

I haven't been on in a while. I haven't even been home in awhile. Right now I want to vomit coffee, feel sick. Got my hurr did... DRASTIC!!!!!! Head was shaved on the side a little Jordan just took the rest of it off. Why not? You live once its hair it grows back. I've been living in different houses with different life styles... Its nice to be loved in each one, and laugh all the time. Being happy again and not worrying. I know I'll get bored soon, but I needed this happiness as everyone does.

I won't.

There are things friends want you to do. there are things people want you to do cause they trust you, love you, and want you to be their life long friend. I accepted an offer i should have turned now in the beginning. I didn't take it seriously but the other person did. I soon regretted it when I showed her I didn't accept this and I didn't want to. I hated telling the truth about it, but it wouldnt be fair to her if I was the one that held her back from the situation.

I learned the hard way don't always say yes... I hate it.

I wish people didnt like me so much sometimes.

False Hope

I HAVE NO FEELINGS. haha, you're an idiot then.

" Its not okay to wish someone to die not matter how deep the magnitude of pain they caused you. From what I hear Chloe seemed to have been pretty fucking good to you. I know its none of my business but when you threaten her life then it becomes my right to step in. It just all needs to be dropped. You can take this and completely just throw it in her face, but don't try anything stupid."


I hate when my friends get in to shitty relationships and it ends up with me having to step in cause some crazy man decided to think it was ok to threaten her life. Why must it come down to that? I know i've done it... But I have grown up since then.
The last post was about the same girl. I love my friends I always will, I might end up just being sick of them from time to time, but ugh I do anything for the ones I love. Im just that good of a person.

ONE, 2, 3, FOUR, FIVE, 6, SE7EN, 8, N9NE, 10.

I'm sick of having to babysit people. I tried so hard to help a friend through a break up but she is beyond idiotic to understand or listen to what im trying to say, even if i told her the true answers she till wouldn't listen. WHY THE FUCK AM I HELPING YOU?
Such as he adding her ex on to her myspace, and she told me "All he said was whats up.." I told her "Well just make sure you don't come off needy." she FIRED back "All I said was "Whats up?" DOES THAT SOUND NEEDY?" Slowly trying to hold back telling her"I didn't know what you said back, but i was trying to say don't try and blow up his comments."
She then said "Why am I so stupid for doing this again? why do I even try?"
I told her "Cause you wanted answers." AND "But thats why they call it a break up cause its broken." (Thanks to the book.) Then with the childish, most bizarre way she could put it with "Fine I just won't try. I don't feel like talking im going to bed and cry." Im not feeding in to it, Im not going to even respond or make sure your ok... Go fuck yourself. I hate my friends.. I really do.

Every single friend I've had never listens, never is compasionate, completely annoying, or controling, and I can't find a single person to be true friends with. Its like now I just use them for the company, WHY THE FUCK NOT? Just shut the fuck up and stand there. kthanks.

These scars are mine.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Cancer (Jun 21 - Jul 22)

A serious disagreement over an emotional issue might provoke a feeling of helplessness today. Fortunately, you have the power now to turn this negative feeling into something positive. Looking within your heart can lead you to your own tender spot, but your revelation won't have much importance unless you follow through by being vulnerable with your partner. It's safer than you think.

My horoscope... EVEN MY HOROSCOPE SAYS IN IN A RELATIONSHIP. I cant get away from this shit. I need to live in a hole.

Fuck Patients.

I'm very unprepared for another person to look after, no not a child. But a significant other, seems like the idea is still ripe. I'm not sure what to take on. Really, love is questionable no matter what, but when it takes over all questions dissolve and you just go day by day hoping instead of wondering. I would like to ask for someone to take the high I'm still on and turn it down a notch. I'm not sure yet how to rip away from feelings, but hopefully someone can do it for me... But then once their torn away... I either have to find it by myself which takes people years, or find a replacement.

Love is just fucking DANGEROUS.

CHANGE

If I can't change my inner shell then I'll just take a change on the outside. Decided since I have become stubborn on trying to change my mood, then I will take hold of my hair and just say FUCK BLOND. Fuck this color that stereotypes women. Okay I just wanted a strong sentence and statement... But anyways, yea I'm sick of blond and its an unbelievable upkeep. I'll just dye it brownish reddish. Whatever its summer time I like to be darker in this season.

I played hookie today, well really I went in to work said I needed to go get my car at 6... WHICH I DID, but then they have to fix even more shit on that thing so I wasnt going back.
I hate that on facebook most people from work I DO NOT LIKE, added me as a friend... Why? Whatever I'll give it a couple of weeks and then delete them.

P.S.
If you still read this Christina, I saw you at Tarshit today... Hope all is well. I know your sick of it all and actually this time did just push me out of your life, but seriously friends make mistakes and I hate that we do this cause we are both the same person, and no one understands anything we do. But it would be nice to hear from you again. If you are done then goddamn.

HATE HATE HATE ATE ATE ATE

THE THINGS I CAN'T BELIEVE ARE HAPPENING.

MY CAR ONCE AGAIN DECIDES TO FUCK UP AND I HAVE TO SPEND ANOTHER COUPLE OF HUNDRED.


I HATE MY JOB, MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I WILL NEVER FIND A BETTER JOB. MAKES ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF MORE THAN I HAVE EVER EVEN TRIED.


MY BIG MOUTH LASHING OUT ON PEOPLE FOR NO REASON. KILLING THEIR EGOS, MAKING THEM HATE THEMSELVES EVEN MORE. I AM A BIG BIG BITCH.


I HATE NOT HAVING WHAT I WANT. I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED BUT ITS NEVER ENOUGH, IT NEVER WILL BE. BECAUSE WE WANT EVERYTHING IN ORDER TO BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.


I HATE IM NEVER FUCKING HAPPY.


I HATE THIS DARK CLOUD.


I WANT TO FUCKING GET A BREAK AND MY CAR TO STOP FUUUCCCKKKIIINNNNGGGGG UUUPPPPP. I HATE AMERICAN CARS NEVER AGAIN.

New?

Ok, so I am wanting a lot of new things... like every girl in the world.
for my b-day cash so I can figure out if I should get an apple notebook, or a new GREAT camera. not like mine isn't bad, sine all I do is shoot in black and white. BUT if I get a laptop its one that i dont have to worry about viruses on.. i hate talking about this.

I hate summer heat.. makes me angry.

I love this ad. Thinking of a story for it.

Anyways, on a subject that really doesn't matter, BUT is poking at me.
People always at my age are going out to clubs, bars, and just socializing. Having a fantastic time with their beautiful friends, crushing boys with glares.
But then me.. I stay in watch movies, read, and just try to gain as much as possible. People nit pick at this when they ask what do I do on my days off. No biggies, I felt I already had fun when I was a teenager. I laughed as much as possible got out whenever I could. I tried the club scene, not a great scene. Everything isn't molded for everyone. But it seems like everyone wants it to be. I am still a baby, but I just rather fill my head with knowledge and not ecstasy.
I might be a drag, I might be a total loser to most. But when living a life it should be in all your own comforts.
Do what you want and leave everyone else alone.

Pathetic Updates.

PRT. 2

So on the way home tonight, Montes asks "Now that you know my list, whats yours?" I can't help but laugh. "Well since all the men at work aren't attractive.. No one really. Except Justin, I would fuck him." You can tell that no he's offended "Oh thanks."
"No problem."
Exact words. See, its easy to offend someone when not knowing you are doing it, cause if you did you would stop. But when you grow up around nothing but truth, assholes, and just stubborn people. You have no filter, you don't worry about offending anyone. Cause no matter what your talking about, your already walking on eggshells.
And it is true.. Only one guy out of everyone. Well there was another guy, but he was a different story. Oh well, don't ask and you won't get burned. Plus it was nice to push the blade in even further.

The Sounds of a Pathetic.

Ok, now I don't want to sound like a insecure twat, but here we go.

Driving a friend home, Montes. He was telling me about a ride with a co-worker.. Her name is Lynette, which right now is in the transition of becoming a man (believe me it goes with the story.) He was telling me their "Fuck list" for work... He looked at me and was like "Oh yea, you didn't come up." K THANKS. Thank for letting me know im not fuckable. Pleases me.
Pissed me off cause everyone that was... One looks like a 25 cent hooker, the other looks like a child, and one an idiot. So it shows you what most men are looking for, 10 yr old hookers with no brain. Im pleased to say I am pissed about this. That I don't fit in any mold cause they're all common. All the girls they picked out you can spot in America more than once.
No I shouldn't ramble about this, nor be concerned... But yet I am.
Makes you want to become an anorexic, slap on some peroxcide, and shrink your brain. Im sick of trying to make myself attractive for guys.. It hasn't worked for the last 20 yrs, whats the whole rest of my life of dulling it down going to do?
Nothing. So ladies there is your answer, that is what men want. Shrink to 4'10 and wear a baby doll dress and they will fuck you to no end.
Though he did say, its all about the personality. Ouch... I have one hell of a personality.. never got me with a man. Don't lie to me.

The only sad part, is I shouldn't be mad.. I wouldn't even fuck Montes.

The Beast I Still Love.

Its hard. I'll go to his page, look around and then slowly slip in to that horrible feeling again. I keep going back to make that pain dig deeper.
When I get a message I think its him, when I see a truck just like his I pray its him, when I pass by a certain gas station it never fails I look for him. It will never go away no matter how much I push out, I'll drown myself in to it. I do it only because once I see a familiar part of him I feel happy again. I smile the way I did with him. He was the first one to push down a barrier no man could. That's why it hurt when it just stopped.
I did find him, but had to let it go. Makes me sick to think I will never feel that way again.
Every guy that try's, I push away, become an extreme nightmare to them.
Cause I feel the pain, knowing I will feel it again with someone else... If I let them in.

I wish every night he would come back. I dream about him every night. No exaggerations needed. In every dream either I see him again and he try's to get my attention, or its me doing the same thing or hiding. I wish I never let this happen. I wish things would have been settled a different way.

Terror is put to the Test.

I was watching the news with our latest terrorist update, with my grandmother to the left of me I looked over and asked her "What were they planning on proving?" She shrugged her shoulders and said "They're terrorists."

Now as skeptic as I am about 9/11 being caused by terrorist from Iraq, I began to question. Has the media completely brainwashed us in to not even questioning a terrorist motives, but to just say "Its cause they're terrorists, its what they do"? Now I thought maybe since she is my grandmother she is older, maybe wiser. Then my head shook and couldn't believe its come to this. Yes she was the generation where she was table fed all the lies the government could cover up, cook up, and just plain rob us of our intelligence.

But yet it seems to still rest on the matter, and the government have become so powerful that even if we tried to over throw them we wouldn't have a chance in hell and they would not hold back their gun fire. I don't understand why people decide to just nod and smile like everything is ok. It's not. Our freedom is slowly being taken away from us, FREEDOM in general has become the punch line for America. Sickning.

Ugly Girl.

I noticed when I thought I was making myself pretty, was really making myself ugly again. I guess to make people look at me but in the bad way. I just got back from Cali, and I find I am set back in my ways of anger, disgust, pain, and near depression. Its sad when a job, state, and a sence of failure can nearly kill your mental state, and in a matter of hours from just getting off a plane. I'm not sure where I belong but it isn't here, not like this. If I looked back on my life in 30 yrs.... I would probably be brought back to this feeling too. I wanted to cry when I was on the plane... Cause I knew I was a mile closer to pain. I don't believe in heaven, but hell is a different story. We all have hell in the palm of our hands, but mine has taken over like an infection.

I can't believe a job can do this to me. I do have amazing benefits, I have a great salary, I have nothing to gain from this place. everyone that works there leaves.. quickly I might add. Im not sure where I'm going but if it keeps going on this path.. I won't be around for much longer. I dont know what to do anymore.

If I quit, I have to find a new job and quick. If I quit, I wont be paid as well. If I quit, I will have no idea what to fucking do.... It makes me so cloudy... This fucking job makes me feel like I cant do anything else... I have never been bad at a job until this shit. I can't believe its come down to this.

Disgust.

Have you ever looked at a friend then became disgusted by them? They weren't doing anything to deserve the judgment, but you knew something was there they aren't telling you. You know somethings wrong.

Anyways, seems fairly eventful. Next week will be the best week

1. I get to see Jackyl.
2. Won't be at work.

So its exciting. I have so much shit to do.

The Religions Back Door.

I've been noticing a certain pack of people. that have the upside down cross everywhere. Which, hey branch out whatever. But before you do the whole satanic shock factor. you need to brush up on it. Its not about evil. It was basically about freedom... Anarchy, really.

Then the same people that do this whole flashy fake shock.. Say their agnostic or atheists. If you come to those two.. Then Satan doesn't come in to the picture, because god isn't. You cant have the opposite. You can't have one with out the other. It doesn't balance. It doesn't make any sense.

Im just sick of kids getting everything wrong.. Idiots and kids. Sorry useless really. But understand something before you try and label it.

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt"

- Abraham Lincoln


I don't find that to be wise at all. I rather scream from the top of my lungs and put in a straight jacket then sit and watch someone trample over us.

Prince Charming is an Asshole.

This sculpture makes me smile, and want to buy one to drop off at every guys door step that made my heart stop.




“Prince Charming is an Asshole,” a sculpture by Ann Magnuson.

Frustration?

I'm never sure what I am ever mad at. Or if I should be angry at all. But it takes the simplest thing to throw me over the edge. I'm never truly happy unless I'm alone. Alone stuck in my room with me head buried in a movie to keep me distracted. Distracted to what I might do to myself... mentally. These first months of 2009 I cherished wished they could be on playback. These last couple of ones Im not sure what to think. I have been thrown in to a whirl wind of confusion. that comes every year though... 2009... you suck.

Im In the Middle of a Scam.

Its a nice ride. Its exciting to be apart of this illegal transaction... Kidding, I hope we go down hard for it.

Going to enjoy a nice movie, head to bed and fix my car in the morning.
Going to watch CHOKE, I'll let you know what I think of it..

Horrible.

New music makes me SANE.

Well, long time no bitching. so nothing new going on. I am sick to death of it all. Jackyl still no word on if im approved or not.. I hate my job.

You Buy?

I found a site where I can actually sell my photography. So, if your interested lemme know.. I'll post a link soon... Only one person reads this.... Jackyl... wtf am I even thinking lol.

Hi, I'm Trish and I have a shopping addiction.

Yea I do, with iTunes, Clothes, and basically shit that doesn't matter. Oi I thought I got rid of it... But it comes back from time to time. I started to save then I fucked that all up :D
I slap myself out of it then I run down the same tunnel.
BUT, I purchased today: A shirt, new purse, a cd, 3 songs, rented a movie...... I find myself disgusting. I think I have found my boyfriend. His name is money. He's real nice. Dosen't argue, has made the world the devils playground, make people think they have power.... You know the essentials. Ugh.

A Brave New World.

Very interesting book, picked it up yesterday since I am bored of all movies I own, hate TV, and nothing to do on the internet but shop, and I can't be in debt right now. Not good for me. I think my friend got me a job with her boyfriends band.. Doing the "promo" shots for them. I told them no charge since I don't work with film anymore. Plus live shots are a pain to do.

"Where the Wild Things Are" needs to hurry up and come out before I become one. I think I need to make my own Alex costume for the movie.

Holga: Not Just a German Nazi

So, I had to splurge on myself today since I am
1. sick
2. weak
3. and just in the mood.

Got a new dress, cause I am sick of wearing pants, and now finally get why girls wear dresses all the time, here for some people are some reasons:
1. Great for when your bloated
2. They will still make you look great when you look like shit
3. Men seem to react different when a women is in a dress? Its strange.
4. Basically the best thing in the world when your on your period, goes with 1.

Anyways the next is the Holga camera. YAY! Its a cheap plastic camera that costs about 20 bucks, but its picture quality is amazing. The only bad part is when you go to develope its film, it will cost you a pretty penny since the film is a unique type, because not many places will develope it anymore. So, if you have a WOLF CAMERA around you.. Then you should be in luck. CVS, WALGREENS, TARGET, WALMART. Won't do it cause they suck.

The Puss Pocket

The night my tonsils swelled. The day my tongue boiled. The evening my eyes caved in. The last minute I soon began treatment. I went through the next day walking against the crowd, hiding my face from its ugliness, its brutal marks, and its harsh wounds. I never felt more like a monster than last night. Children kept stopping their tracks, and soon believed monsters were real, but not afraid of the day light. I tried to make the collar of m jacket cover whatever evidence of violence I could. Wasn't working since people felt sympathy for the pain they could even feel.
My heels became heavier and heavier as I walked. My paranoia became more intense and slowly evolved in to fear. I couldn't have run in to the sewers fast enough.

My head cocked each way it could. Felt as though my neck was mechanic.

"What happened, miss?!" I heard the gasps, I heard the judgment, and the hope. I waved my hand for him to move out of my way. "Its none of your business, move please." I saw his face mold like clay of expressions. His hope shattered of being a hero. I ran towards the elevator, as it began to close my hoarse throat tried to catch the doors in time "PLEASE, HOLD IT." A hand creeped out and opened it back up. No figure came from the metal doors, I walked in with my head down and no glares needed. I tried to not make eye contact to not cause even more attention. I pushed 8, as it lit up I knew it was coming, the fool dared to make something of it.

"Ma'am are you ok?" I nearly wanted to make him a clone. "I am perfectly fine." "Well you look like someone beat the shit out of you." He was quite the intellgent man, wasn't he? "Yep." I left it at that hoping the doors would hurry and open to resucue me away from what help people were already trying to force on me. "Ma'am seriously.." "This is none of your business, nor is it the next fucking person that see's me."

I ran once the doors pryed open. I was running so fast I lost the grip of the floor under me. Once my head hit the floor I blacked out on the cold cement. I could hear myself trying to wake, and trying to get up. My body layed nearly paralyzed, hoping none drew attention. Even though I'm sure I put myself on a stage.

I then fell back in to last night. The night of him and I. It was the best night of my life. Even with bruises, blood, and the tears. He never layed a hand on me. It was me that actually did this, it was me that caused it. It was him that tryed to fix this. Thats when I took him in my own hands, and made his eyes shut.

That Nun Got a Gun.

I finally found that Rage Against the Machine t-shirt where all the nuns are holding the shot guns. Omg I remember when I was 13 drooling to have that shirt, but wasn't school friednly so I couldn't even dream about wearing it.

I saw "HE'S JUST NOT THAT IN TO YOU." Big fan of the book, make us all think how we over analyze everything. But the movie... Pissed me off. I hated how everyone in the end found someone. Ugh. By the way I was Drew Barrymore's character, omg I never saw myself more in that movie than anything. I wasn't needy. But HE was the guy that always texted, myspaced me, blah blah.. Well we did talk at work, but I felt so... stupid.

I HATE MEN. I HATE RELATIONSHIPS. I HATE CARING. I'm never going to get over this until a man shuts me up. Till one of you prove it.

Order? What Order?

I feel like I am suppose to be following in line. Following the girls that live to be with a man, that can't function without a man, and that can't have any emotion without him making me react. I did try it, I finally got a chance to take advantage of those moments... Except I was luckily myself. I'm not sure if I'm cut out for this shit. Seriously he made me the happiest I could have ever been, but when he let me down... I crashed and burned. The worst emotional pain someone could go through.

I know was a woman we all have that certain emotion that men don't, CARING. When we fall in love we know it, it bubbles in our stomachs, makes our palms sweat, and our knee's tremble once you see him coming toward you. I was even shaken to the core and couldn't think straight when I saw him. I know that amazing feeling and I didn't want it to leave. But when he stopped... that's when it all ends.

I never want to feel that pain again. There is not one day I don't think about him. There isn't one day I wish something didn't happen, such as meeting him. I never want to go through that again. I can't let it happen again. I am happy when alone, I always get an urge here and there for affection that only a man can fill. But its not worth it in the end. Its not worth the mental damage it takes you through. Its the strangest darkest feeling. If only I could put men through what they put us through.

Then maybe they would care.

AH AH AH AH

No tricks today, no disorder, no hate, no anger... Just numb.

Did you ever find when your in pain you could give two shits what you look like, what someone says even if they say your dying? Pain comes in handy when your at work. I use it to all its advantages. Pain numbs the simplest things for you. But when you get down to it, GODDAMN MY BACK HURTS. My back has had kinks since its day it formed. I wish I could get laid.

Now please excuse me I hear a long night of Tom Waits filling the air.

App

My iPod is filled with fun now.

Anyways, nothing exciting went back to work. Hated it, hate the people, hate that I am drained of all personality, hate that I cater to a world in such horrifying pod modes, and I certainly hate the fact that I am first in line to help you. Well, I don't mind sharing the world with you, but I do mind sharing my space. I am sick of people, I am sick of what they form in to, I am sick of feeling sorry for you, and I think our new president is a slime ball. He is doing good things, he is. But seriously some of these decisions are full of shit. Our campaign became American Idol, and our audience is full of hopelessness. Our future is in the hands of the dead. The zombies... The children have no thoughts of their own, they have no clue how to speak. The world pisses me off, but I have to share it... I'm fine with it. Just not fine with you being in my way, once again.

AHH.

I want these shoes! Puma makes them, and I just found them... I'm in love. Yes at first glance they come off a little tacky. But they're bad fucking ass. Taking a break from my usual blogging to bring you an update on my greed, and love for these unique shoes!!

Home? Sick.

Just got in from the ATL. I loved it. I needed that fogginess cleared from my head so bad, I needed things that were trapped to finally let go and give me some type of sight. I loved being with my father, I noticed I am a lot like him, but at the same time nothing at all. But I love him, he's my everything. My step mother I love, she is a great woman. I'm glad my father has her and I'm glad I have her as well.

But I am happy to be home, just more familiar things around me. And my heart, my mother. She may get on my nerves but I couldn't live without her. See, that trip just made me realize so much shit! Made me happy and thankful for so much. This is what I needed, cause I was stirring myself in to so much anger and pain. It was a huge weight that I'm glad I just let slide off.

The purchases I made!!! An Annie Leibovitz book that costed me $108.00, and it was well worth it! Made me happy when turning each page. Gonzo photo journalism which made me nearly enter in euphoria. Speaking of photography check out all my photos I took while in Georgia, I'm not a big fan of myself... But these photos make me proud... click the link, DURR.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ratsratsratss/

But the only touristy thing I did in GA with my pa. Is go the NEW World of Coke Factory. We went to the old one, new one was BETTER. So if you are in GA want to spend $15 bucks I suggest this place. Its great, you get a free coke at the end, YIPPEE! If you say no to that your a dicktard. Now, I have one more day off until I am free to roam hell again. Enjoy my photos!

iPod...

hello! imI'm on my ipodiPod right now and boy do iI hate posting on this piece of shit i come tomorrow

Preparation! ! ! !

1. Get the fucking present, why must I spend money?
2. Buy unlimited amounts of movies to keep me focused off the plane. Thank god for iPod touch.
3. A week of pure solitude and I get to finally live in a small world, where only 2 people matter.

Achievement

I went to my old desk at work. I was looking at all the shit I left behind and how they left it for me. It has been 4 months since I was sitting at that desk. I like to think they kept a shrine for me. Well, I picked up my "achievement award". He was written all over it. We were playing a game one night and he used that to keep score. Needless to say I kept the markings on it. I wanted to remember that night. That night was perfect. We actually couldn't stop laughing, agreeing, and actually our first time to make any type of connection that night. I could never let that memory go. Happy to have that night still with me.

DICK.

10 people

Ok, so here are 10 anonymous people that I love, hate, and just LOVES.

1.I'm glad we finally became close. I know it was always you and sis that were close when growing up. I hated that cause I was so jealous. You were older so I never really understood. Thank god she became an idiot otherwise it still might never had been us that became this close!!! I think you might have taken her place as a sister. I can't wait to see you, I love you!

2. We always were on and off. But we grew up together. as much as I wanted to rip my hair out with you, because you knew patience and I didn't... I know the last time we didn't talk for nearly 3 yrs? Those three years sucked. I know I said horrible things and said I would never talk to you again. But I couldn't hold back. I needed you back in my life, and now that your here to stay I hope I never lose you again.

3. Well, I am on and off with you as well. Now I'm off... I apologized but that's never enough. I explained what happened I knew where I fell I just wish you would see it too. I won't point the finger at whomever, since we both lost contact with one another. But it was always hard to keep you happy, I had to watch where I stepped sometimes cause it could always set off the ticking time bomb. If I see you again it will be a great day.

4. You crazy lady you are. I hate you and love you but DAMN I CANT LIVE WITHOUT YOU!! Your my person I keep on the hip always. If I ever lost you I would lose the world.

5. My hero, my best friend, and basically my fucking sidekick. I know when I am not in contact with you it hurts. I hate not talking with you. I wish you hadn't moved so far away, I wish I still had you right next to me. The memories of you are the best I could ever have. I never had any bad since you always made our time the best. You always say how bad you were to us, but you never were. I knew you loved me and I still do. Your an amazing man and I know once I can't see you anymore my life will fall in to a deep cycle.. And I won't know how to deal with it.

6. You dick. I can't believe what you put me through. I can't believe you gave me the best times of my life and then ripped them away from me. You made me believe I finally had someone that was just like me and could finally stop bitching, really. But no your the fucking gutted slime ball I always needed to stay away from. I wish I could forget about you, but I wont because I thought you were different... you never are.

7. BOO BOO!!! I know we are off and on all the time, but god when we get together its fucking amazing. Your an opposite of me but you bring out the best in me. I love ya always will couldnt ask for a greater friend!

8. MY LOVES! I have known you since elementry school. and damn I know we will be friends for forever. you know me inside and out. We have never even had a fight cause we are so alike its insane. except your a little more level headed. I know I can always depend on you no matter what. I only hate that we dont talk like we use to. But I'll always love you.

9. OMG BITCH YOUR FUCKING THE BESTESTSTSTSTSTSTS. We always laugh i don't think there is a second that doesn't go by that I didn't laugh with you. I pretty much took you to everything you had never been to, and you have opened my eyes to so much. pretty much complete one another. I'm so glad we're still talking.

10. .... Must I go on?

Insanity, my best policy.

trishbot3000: whats 2+2?
SmarterChild: My brain is retired but watch some cool videos! Send am IM to GossipinGabby and Type VIDEO!
trishbot3000: sdfsdf
SmarterChild: My brain is retired but watch some cool videos! Send am IM to GossipinGabby and Type VIDEO!
trishbot3000: CURSE YOU SMARTERCHILD!
SmarterChild: My brain is retired but watch some cool videos! Send am IM to GossipinGabby and Type VIDEO!

I'll Take it.

I feel like taking a drive, lets just go some where, anywhere. I couldn't face him alone, I couldn't dare look at him right now. I would take all animal instincts and tear him apart. I fell to pieces when he contacted me, looking for that attention, and what little attention I got.
Lets go for a drive, anywhere. Where do you want to go?
Go to the Congo and gnaw on the bark with the gorillas, no not quite distracting enough.
Go to the amazon river and school with the piranhas, not quite vicious enough.
Go to the deep depths of the arctic, but not quite secluded enough.
When wanting to get away where do I go to find the silence to not be stalked by your thought?

Bullet.

I’ve got something to say
I’ve acquired a taste for watching you in pain
It’s pretty hard to admit
It makes me feel like shit
But I mean it
And I know that I am wrong
The weaker you get the more I fell strong
So I want you to leave
Wipe your face on your sleeve
And beat it.
This doesn’t end with you
I walk around and I think of people other than you
That I wish they were cursed
That I wish them the worst
I really wish them the worst
But I’m doing my best
And I hope you forgive me now that I’ve confessed
Cause I’m trying to resist
My heart becoming a fist
Forever
Because you can’t you can’t you can’t stop a bullet
I’m giving you my trigger but you better never pull it
You can’t you can’t you can’t stop a bullet
I’m giving you my trigger but you better never pull it
You’ve got something to say
You’ve acquired a taste for watching me in pain
It’s pretty hard to admit
It makes you feel like shit
But you mean it
What the hell can we do
I’m a different face
Of the man you knew
I’m a hole you’ll fill for the rest of your life
Because you can’t you can’t you can’t stop a bullet
I’m givin you my trigger but you better never pull it

I give up.

The first time in fucking months I don't care. Do you know how good it feels to not pour my heart and soul in to something I was completely wasting my time with? I did what I could you didn't want it so go fuck yourself. I know its hard... But you cant shove a person away when you made some type of connection... But its the free world.... You can shut me out and I can hate all I want. WOOOO IM FREE OF BONDAGE.

Enjoy this amazing video of the amazing Fever Ray.. I think I've posted it everywhere.

Testing the waters.

I know what your doing. I know its all fun and games. Thank you for the high hopes and the typical outcome you vomit up every time. You're a failure and I am not dragging in it with you.

Laugh pig, laugh.

So here we go again.
So here it comes again.
I'm setting my own trap and I hope this time the bait is poison. I hope the bait rots out my insides through my flesh. Eating away like the leprosy pride. I let it in and I let it infect.

Bloody Valentine.

That title has a pun.

Well, tonight once again, its loathing. Tonight I sit and wish. Tonight I drowned in self pity. And then a cold shower to wash off your hand marks.
I thought this year would be different, but of course its not. I sit like the year before, except I work. Here's a good part to laugh about, I work for a dating website. So today I have to be happy for them and tell them they will find love, when I myself have lost all hope.

People ask, where do you see yourself in 20 yrs?
Really?
Well, hopefully in Alaska by then and still alone. Cold and alone. The snow white queen finally moves to Alaska. The horrible thing is its true. I never looked in the future with seeing myself with someone, because I know it might actually be true. For 20 yrs its been like this... Another 20 will be no different and just a little more cold.

They always say "There is someone out there for you."
If there is.... He's been dead for years. I've wasted my life with myself.

GOVERNMENT

Burn it down. I made 22,000 this year... How much do I get back?

$36.00

oooooooooo weeeeeeee.

Like,

Still a little hateful towards you, more to the point that I can't get you out of my head. I did for one moment, but your still loitering around up there. If you wanted me to be stuck with this image, why fail in the end?

WHYZZZ?!?!?!

I couldn't hate you anymore than whats already bubbling inside, but you won't stay out of my mind. Even when I rest you cause nightmares.

This has become a painful trip, and damn these posts I look back on.... No bueno. I am pissed off. Can't believe a person can cause so much pain.

I just took that bullet.

To feel embarrassed beyond belief, to feel like I wasted my time beyond failure, and to make me cry when these tears shouldn't even be for you, makes me ill. Makes me wake the fuck up all over again. Constant pull and tug with you, WHAT was your point with me? You tired to fuck me, but didn't have the courage to make a move, just ask and ask and ask about where, when, how, and why? I'm glad I was smart enough to push you away. Now be smart enough to stay the fuck away from me.

Distract a Rat

Now, when time stops you're suppose to be in love, bliss, happy, and fucking perfect. When time stops for me it seems to go the opposite route. Either I have to close my eyes and pretend I never existed to the world or just blatantly tune out and drop out. Time keeps going faster and faster as I just stare at people. Wish I was her, pretending he was mine, plotting your death, and my favorite self loathing with all combinations.

Ya see, I was just recently tricked. That tricky tricky heart took me for a ride. Best high I had in years. Hopefully I'll find something to fill the void and distract me until I find some type of downer. Now, when I've become the beast I love oh so much, I tend to focus my attention toward someone I love... I am sorry my dears.

When leaving home I'm not sure where the flight will start but I hope it has what I've been reaching for. So I won't feel too much of the emptiness since being in the walls of a placenta. Completely horrible human, rat, creature business.

I miss you.

I really do. Its only been a short amount of time, but it still hurts. Not hearing from you. I waited and I guess I'll give up the fight now. I'll give up at all costs. I know I can't do anything to make everything ok, for you. But I wish you the best and I hope the best for you. I know you have a lot going on, but Im always here.

Chemicals, Chemical, Chemistry?

Self loathing always on hand. Well, I possess that to all ends.
I've found myself sick, sick and losing all sanity.
I was at work today, crying in the bathroom. Failure seems to linger all around me when I'm at work. I couldn't stop looking at it 13% 13% 13% 13%. What an evil little number with that face of Satan behind it. I spit on you, 13 fucking percent, my ass.
Then scroll on up to all the 40-80%. How dare you leave me behind. I thought no man was left behind? I hate my job, I hate the customers. The customers are the definition of WASTE. The onion to my eye, the sewer rats eating on a ripe decapitated torso, and the pendulum to my victim.

Second, this boy, this creature. Another reason I want to rip out my heart pound it on the desk in front of him and tell him to just fucking stab it, so we can both be bad. He's a lazy piece of shit that gets under my skin while massaging every inch of it. I can't get him out of the way cause I want him right in front of me. I've been patient and the little coward is stumbling towards me. Why I like him? Here are some pro's.
1. True gentleman
2. Adorable
3. The MALE version of me.
Fuck how do I give number 3 up? Well it should be simple since I hate me. I need to move on cause he is in quick sand in the middle of the Sahara, and I am suppose to save him. WHERE DO I START TO EVEN FIND THIS DICK?

Third, I woke up at 3 a.m. last night, or this morning, what have you. Plotting my own death. Ugh, its a thin line when you start to think of it to calm yourself down. No attention needed, just need to vent. I know this is no light note, you fools. But believe me if I don't get it out, I'll just take it out. Simple.

I know I do it.

I know I won't give it up. I wish I could, but this feeling has taken over on all ends. I just can't believe I did it again. I can't believe I let it happen. Stop doing this to me. Stop fucking doing this.

2009, gimme gimme.

Give me everything I missed out for the last years of my life. Give me the happiness I've never experienced. Give me the taste I've been in desire with. Give me that boy I had my eye on. Give me the attraction and satisfaction I've had in the back of my head. Let me have a real smile. Let me have the eyes of the vultures.

I've had a lot in the past years, but they were all material. I'm excited for 2009. I hope for once the pain will go away, for once I will open up, and for once I won't push people away.

I Feel So special.

it was nice. I'm glad I got to wake up next to you.

Haha, Swine.

I saw it.
I saw that true side I've been waiting for. You can say goodbye. I hope it was worth it in the end. I know you have a lot going on right now, but don't sit there and lie to me. Your just adding to your own problems. I woke up and I really am not even in it to fight to get you back. Funny how things work.

RAT in Human Form.

Last time.

Rats on the Edge of my Bed.

I felt the slim, heart felt apology coming. I felt a sudden change in the way he took my hand. I knew he wanted more from me. I was tired, my head ached with fear. My bed held many stories, many secrets, many nightmares. Nothing more terrifying then him on the edge of my bed, and feeling the rejection, soon panic. I wanted to move closer, I wanted to touch him beneath my palms. I wanted to breathe so softly upon him. But I knew he would push me away. I saw the people hiding behind the walls, the people that made me loathe beneath my exterior. The claw prints I made the other night, out of hate, out of fear, out of pain, and out of pity. I would do anything for attention, I have found. My depression sinks so deep that I feel sane enough to bleed. I thought this terror had let go, but it seems once I dig deep in to his eyes. The tidal wave strikes and pulls me down with the sharks.

I'm ready for it to end, but yet haven't even dared to give up the fight. I know somethings there... I know somethings there.

Cut Me off, really.

I asked for a break in the last post. I got a break... I got a huge fucking slap in the face. As well did he. It should be more about you. But now I feel liked I'm never going to see you, now I feel like you've drifted away even further. The night before was great, and then it had to come down on me like hail last night. I probably didn't have the fear overwhelm me as much as you. But I'm right here, I wish you would take my hand when I extend it out. You seem to walk right past it, but turn around once its down. I have to pretend it was never there. For once take it, and for once I'll pull you in.

Don't do this, not now.

Don't let me down, again. Please just do it cause you've never had the balls to ask me out any where. So I finally did, rather than just coming over. 2009 cut me a break, please.

A Friend.

Fucking friends man,

I'm not sure what they are suppose to consist of anymore. It seems I always do something wrong in order to get a treatment of pure failure. I guess I should call more, I guess I should consume my life around it, and I guess this could be wrong. But it sure seems with a couple of them I did something wrong... I didn't call, I didn't promise something, or I just didn't care enough? I'm sure there's answer. Or oh! I lied.... I said one thing then did another. I change my mind all the time as so does everyone else. I'm sorry if at that time I didn't care, but then I started to. Whatever it was just let it go for now. Maybe I'm the one that needs to change, but its my nature would you love me any other way? I would think not.

The Love Stories of my Time.

My sweet baby,

my bitter tasting lips caress your face. My hands find a home on your breast bone. I find it to be love when you make me crawl across the floor. I find it to be love when you twirl your finger around my tiny body. Separated from the world, but still charging towards you as if we have been with out each other for years.
Take your eyes and search for a reason to say no. Let me drag you near the ocean. Let me slip inside for awhile. I want to be the one who has the last breath, the last memory. You have given me all I have wanted, except this one thing. Let me have it and pour it in a pitcher. Serve it around the courses of meals. Let me taste you for an eternity, hold you in the palm of my hand for a lifetime. Always have you around my pocket.
I want you on my hip at all times. It's absurd of me, but please let me have you.